I wrote a post earlier, but took it off the blog. If you subscribe by email, you may have read the post already. It was… whiny. And cranky. Today was one of those days that never seemed to come together. With the girls sick, our Tuesday morning ritual of driving to the gym for some exercise was shot, and the weather made me sad. Today was the only day forecasted for rain and gloom this week, but instead of reminding myself that it was just one day, I allowed the weather to consume me and set the tone for the day.
I shouldn’t write when I’m cranky. Everything comes out cynical and snappy. After publishing my post earlier, which I allowed myself to do because “everyone has bad days and I’m just being honest,” I felt like God just told me to go lay down in my bed with my prayer book for expectant moms (a gift from my shower). I snuggled under the covers and read two prayers… the first about feeling out of control with hormones and emotions, the second about grumbling and complaining. I read this verse, and began praying it into my day:
I wish I could tell you that everything became peachy after that, but things grew worse instead.
JD and I fought over what to eat for dinner. I fought JD about making dinner and wound up making green beans, rice, and pork chops in anger. While I was sauteing, I just kept thinking, “this day sucks. I hate the weather. I just want the day to be over…” and then, because the Holy Spirit is stronger than I, I meekly began to ask that Jesus bring me to the ‘rock that is higher than I.’ We sat down to dinner, and even though I wanted to skip the whole prayer part altogether, we paused and thanked God for the food and for the day, even though it was hard. A few minutes later El asked (as is tradition at dinner time in our family), “So mom, what was your favorite part of the day?” Everything in me dissolved and I wanted to squeeze her neck and say, “THIS MOMENT!” I apologized to JD for being grumpy and the evening changed from tension and frustration to joy.
I realized, as the evening continued, that I’m’ just a tired mama with a lot of high expectations. I am overwhelmed with things I want to do around the house before baby gets here. I am overwhelmed with the daily needs of my girls and constantly wonder if I’m doing it right, if I’m doing enough. I’m frustrated with myself for having plans to clean out the bedroom and make a Real Simple recipe meal for dinner and then not follow through with either. It was easy for me to just take it out on gray skies, but really, I’m just a girl who wants to do everything right and is tired of leaving To-Do lists (including things like “make crafts with girls”) un-crossed off.
In this 33rd week I faintly hear Jesus telling me to ‘rest’ and ‘enjoy.’ Rest – meaning, naps are ok. Sitting is ok. Allowing the house to be a bit messy is ok. Enjoy – meaning… enjoy the girls. Enjoy my husband. Enjoy Jesus and the fact that He did it all for me… I have absolutely nothing to accomplish or prove because it was already done. Enjoy God and God’s favor and love…. these have been whispers in my soul and I’ve refused to listen because there are dishes that need to be done and little girls clinging to my pant legs and three loads of laundry to fold and put away and how in the world can I rest and enjoy when this is my life?
These things have to come to a head. Jesus will have his way with me and I desperately want him to. Even in stubborn moments, I want him to take over. I am so so grateful that at 6:30 pm today, Jesus finally had his way with me and lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
Because ultimately it is more important that my heart is ready for her than our house…
Happy baby countdown – Seven weeks to go!